Because young single professionals are so… sparse in the north, I’ve taken a glance or two at online dating profiles. You know, the ones in which men of all ages post a few grizzly selfies and attempt to promote their virtues to the young ladies of 2015:
As with my earlier posts on title editing, I love when the internet gives us a good laugh. I can’t tell if the quotes below are the “best of” or “worst of,” but I’m sharing them anyway for your enjoyment. (And guys, no criticism intended. I’m sure the ladies’ profiles can be just as…. unique. Do share.)
1. The worst best advertisements:
“I prefer cities over small towns, because it’s easier to avoid small talk in a crowd… I hate small talk. I know what the weather is like, I don’t need to discuss it.”
— That sounds like a fun date.
“I looking for a long turm thing I am looking for my forever”
— Oh no…
“I am that guy that every girl says she wishes she had, yet I have not found a woman who would stick. That said, here’s my offer: I’ve never cheated, I don’t do drugs, play video games all day, sneak around behind your back, party or have kids everywhere that I don’t see”
— I would hope not. Are ghostly children something I should normally inquire about?
“I have a full time job own place and a car.”
— Can I just say that for a man in his thirties, this is a bare minimum? Like saying, I have most of my teeth and can walk upright. Let’s get coffee? (I realize that’s middle-class privilege talking…)
“If you’re drinking enough and you look at me just right I look like a bloated Vin diesel”
“I’m here mostly to window shop”
— Props for the honesty.
“I’m not going to spend lots an lots of money on you weekly not because I’m a cheap ass but because my kids need stuff more and they will always come first. They came from my family jewels you did not.”
“I do not care for rap, hip hop, our any type of music that requires obscenities. I also can not stand the new ‘Auto-Tune’ music people seem to love these days.”
— This guy wasn’t even thirty-five. Kids these days.
“Only if you are really single, to often most of you lie, have bf on the side, or if havent got over your x ! Stuck on yourself, all about money,”
— Ah yes, the old ‘insult women in generic terms’ way to a woman’s heart.
“I love long walks I’m tender careing and want to make a woman feel special I’m a mall security guard and I write poetry and want to give girls flowers and my love”
— You guys, mall security guards want love, too.
2. And the best in man-vertising:
“It’s only fun until someone loses an eye, then it’s just fun you can’t see.”
— I… I think this indicates a positive personality?
“It was because of my Dad’s influence that I was able to graduate with the technological degree that I have now. My mother is a counselor, so I always go to her for advice.”
— See, this is a classy way to talk about family.
“I enjoy sports, cooking, spending time with the dogs. If you’re into asshole guys, please move on elsewhere. Always up for a conversation :)”
— Well done: it says I’m young but nice-ish. Please talk to me.
“I have a great job and work for a fantastic company with the goal of making man self sufficient and reduce fossil fuel consumption.”
— I love that you love what you do.
“Cuddling is my fav thing to do eat popcorn and twizzlers and icetea along with pizza. I love squash as one of my favorite along side fiddle heads and eggplants.”
— Are you… are you looking to date a woman or a twizzler?
(And a cultural note: local families go to hidden spots in the woods to eat fiddleheads / young fern fronds in the spring. Update: I’ve seen this!)
“Those other guys on here – all liars. Everyone of them. Sincerity and commitment? Ha! They’re all married or looking for one-night stands… With great abs comes great douchebaggery. Welcome to online dating.”
— Made me laugh.
“I like pretty much anything outside I like to work to I am self employed clam digger/lobsterman”
— Lobsterman!!! My Midwestern friends have asked me to bring back a burly lobsterman from the eastern seaboard. I think my mission is complete.