RATS: a EULA for your new textbook

You agree to the terms of this End User License Agreement (EULA) when you unwrap this Book. If you disagree, immediately return the Book to your campus Bookstore. Yet because your professor requires this book, you must agree.

This is an agreement between Resource and Textbook Suppliers (hereafter “RATS”) and Poor Schmuck (“You”).

If you obtained your Book on the black market (from a classmate), you will be struck with the plague. Burn your bastard Book and buy a pure one from your Bookstore.

Terms of Use:

RATS reserve all rights and will sue you if you dare copy down sentences to “study” with. Each student must buy their own Book and back-up copies. It is a violation of contract with the RATS to share any books, even for half an hour while you run to the gym and your roommate needs to study.

When RATS produces a new edition of this Book, all students and faculty must burn their old Books and buy new ones; learning will not occur without the latest graphics and side-boxes.

All professors and students must use our website for “learning.” Any user who accesses our website may or may not consent to a hostile takeover of their computer and the computers of their loved ones.

If RATS have mangled your Book’s font, paper, content, or your life in general, please email toobad@werule.com. Our lengthy silence will force you to buy another defective Book.

Limited Warranty:

You may not use this product in any manner. RATS do not guarantee you can (a) learn anything (b) get good grades, or (c) impress other students with this Book.

This warranty only applies to Books from your campus Bookstore. If you bought your Book from a classmate, you have no rights, either under this EULA or in the universal sense.

RATS may provide your Book “defects included” because we bribe lobby the U.S. Government. RATS does not guarantee your book is accurate, complete, enjoyable, plagiarism-free, or fit to educate.

You cannot hold RATS liable for any damages (including class interruption, loss of profits or grades, personal injury, dismemberment, or death) related to this Book. You cannot hold RATS liable for ignoring your pleas for help, for negligence, for misrepresenting our products’ defects, or for breaching our contract or warranty. These limitations stand even if RATS has cause to know that the terrors contained in this book imminently threaten your life.

Regardless of any damages we cause you, RATS’ entire liability and your only remedy for suffering is limited to the lesser of (1) your monetary losses, or (2) U.S. $3.00. These disclaimers apply even if our remedies fail all of their essential purposes.

You’re welcome.

[Humor column, fall 2004.]

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